Not to brag, but I’m pretty good at word games.
You know, the type where you have to find words in a scramble of letters. Sometimes, at a glance, I can look at the seven letters in a circle and immediately see the words in the jumble. It all seems so easy.
Other times, however, it seems I can try every possible combination of arrangements and not make any words. I start, somewhat desperately, forming possibilities I’ve never seen before, as if the game-maker decided some of its puzzles would be in a different language.
On those days, I need to use a tool to make sense of things. I realize that my mind is just not seeing things in a way that allows me to see and process information the way I usually do. I don’t beat myself up. I use “clues,” gladly exchanging some of my accumulated points for a hint. And sometimes, with a single letter revealed, I can now solve the whole puzzle. I’m back.
Other times, however, I need to deplete my resources and use every point I have to purchase every hint I can. And even then, sometimes I just quit for the day, deeming the game more trouble and frustration than its worth.
Living with depression can feel kind of the same.
There are days I wake thinking, “I’ve got this.” I’ve made a todo -list and have confidence that enough of it will get done that I’ll have made forward progress on whatever I’m working on. My life seems manageable. And I feel capable.
Other times, however, my life seems jumbled. Incomprehensible. Maybe even more trouble than its worth. I do not bounce out of bed. No affirmations cross my mind. I do not feel capable. I do not feel much at all.
And that’s when I’ve learned I need to use the tools that are available to help me. I need to spend down some of my reserves and access any and sometimes all of the coping mechanisms and strategies I’ve accumulated over the years of living with depression. Do I need to use just need one to affect a shift back toward mental health? Will a really good and deep night or two of sleep help bring my capabilities back into focus for me? Or do I need to connect with a friend? Schedule a therapy session? Adjust my meds?
I am learning to ask myself those questions and allow myself access to whatever help I need with the same “charge” as I’d have getting a clue to solve a word game.
Neither indicates weakness. Neither is a failing. I am just experiencing a moment in time when I need a little help. Because I am human. Nothing more, nothing less.
And when I’m firing on all cylinders again, with whatever support I needed to get there, I am pretty damn good at word puzzles. And life.